coffee for the apocalypse

So as not to make this feel like click bait- I am okay. I have a couple more heart appointments this year and then it’s just check-ups next year.

I had made my husband go in and get a regular check-up and once he’d done his, he pushed me to go get mine. He’d been nervous going in because there is a long history of cancer on both sides of his family. Luckily, everything was great on his labs.

Then I went in. My biggest complaints were anxiety which was getting worse and a rash on my neck. I also mentioned pain around my gallbladder/liver area that wasn’t consistent or terrible but was bothersome on a sporadic basis.

He offered me meds for the anxiety and cream for the rash. I declined the meds- I am going to a psychologist soon. I meant to get the cream but got sidetracked.

I was told I would get the results of the lab work in about 48 hrs but only the thyroid test showed in my online records and after 11 days I called. No reply so I called the next day and got a call back from the doc himself. He said he wanted a second look at my labs and one of the things that he’d noticed was that I have low platelets.

I went back in and had more tests. I was looking up what these tests were for before I went in and found that they were searching for myeloma or lymphoma. I spent several days really contemplating my mortality. I would be driving along, running my usual errands and the tiniest things would send me into a flood of tears.

I know a big part of it was my anxiety making normal things feel like symptoms. The ache in my mid-back could be a growth and not normal back pain. The rash on my neck could be related to lymphoma. There had been a hard, immovable knot behind my jaw, beneath my ear on one side for a couple months. What I felt about the thought of having cancer was not anxiety- it was pure, real fear.

It didn’t help that I got an abdominal scan and my spleen was slightly enlarged. None of the follow ups made me feel better. Each one made me feel more like I was about to get terrible news.

How would my husband still work if I had to be taken to appointments? I have good life insurance so they could pay for my funeral but would he be able to be a good dad if I just died? He lost his dad at 14- how would my death from cancer affect my children? Terrible thoughts that I hadn’t thought before.

I got a heart monitor as well to check on some heart palpitations I’ve had recently. I go for an echo cardiogram tomorrow and then will meet to discuss the results on the 20th.

I waited for the results of the second round of blood work and took in everything around me. I even enjoyed my toddler’s tantrums. I smiled through them and laughed, throwing him off guard and changing his yelling into laughing too. How could I possibly be frustrated with him if I only had a small amount of time left with him?

After the second round of labs came back a bit better but still wonky I was sent to the hematologist/oncologist. I filled out the paperwork with little man sitting next to me and watched the people around me. They were in all different stages of treatment or diagnosis. I wondered if this would be my life now.

On the paper work it asked how many children I have, their ages, and if I wanted them to have counseling. I choked back tears and left that blank, really hoping that I wouldn’t have to say yes eventually.

The doctor at Texas Oncology was amazing. He was very straightforward, thorough, and confident that everything I told him sounded like I was going to be okay. He took a long look at my blood work and explained that I most likely have Immuno Thrombocytopenic Purpura. My spleen holds onto platelets, causing the swelling and the low count. He didn’t officially diagnose me because while it was 130 when it should be at least 150, he didn’t want to start any harsh treatments for those levels. He let me know that if anything changed I could reach out to him and he set me up for a follow-up in six months.

I came out of there feeling like a new person. After all the stress of wondering and waiting and being poked, prodded, and scanned we needed a vacation. We went on Friday afternoon and came back Sunday afternoon. It was glorious. I caught ten fish in one day. We roasted marshmallows. I am grateful.

It was a real wake up call to get my ass back in line though. I have already gone back to my mostly vegetable and protein diet (you know, except for the marshmallows) and I have been moving more again. My anxiety has tapered to a bearable level and my rash has already started to get better.

Take care of yourself. Learn from my scare- you can’t prevent every illness but you can help by making good choices for yourself.